A Moveable Feast

Wall street and Ulla rebound

Not directly linked. Although I must admit that seeing the finance market behaviour in the last days did not give me good energy. My HP severence package and revenues from the Grenoble appartment sale, which are meant to be the foundation of my future own business are all placed in some kind of finance products that keep dropping sharply, including also still a lot of HP shares and stock options. It is really ugly to say the least.

Otherwise I am taking active control of my #1 goal in life, the capability to be happy again, and things are being sorted out. Katia's advice not to take advice has been the best advice last week ;)

Tuesday was a VERY VERY bad day. Yesterday and today were really good days. In one or two weeks from now I will be able to write another book about what is happening in my life since Tuesday. But I will wait a little bit with the details, things are going up and down a lot, and I feel like I want to share more later, but not now... If I wrote now everyday what's happening, some people will worry too much. Just know one thing for the moment : as one of my former HP colleagues and friends and I-think-regular-blog-reader Foli used to say : The future looks bright !

perspectives

I could have chosen "confusion" or "desperation" as titles for my current mood, but I am trying to give myself a positive direction here, and also want to avoid the concerned phone calls I received last week after the "big crisis" post ;). However sorry to say I am still in crisis mode, but I also think it is normal that this happens to me. My life change has simply been very extreme.

Now it is Monday evening and since this afternoon I don't feel well anymore, a ball is building up in my stomach, just like the last two Mondays. Because tomorrow is Tuesday and I need to get back there without being able to imagine how I should get all the work done that they expect from me. The consequence will be "the whip" from the second, and I know that I have already used up my "complaint" quota with the sous-chef. I don't see a way out. Even if I get a bit faster, there are a couple of things that are not clearly organized and defined, so I cannot see how the situation should really get better.

So the thought of leaving within the next days or weeks is becoming stronger every day. It's true that I have an objective to set up a business one day, and that hanging in for a couple of months would probably serve this objective, maybe make me stronger, faster and teach me a lot. But then my other objective in life has always been to be a happy person. I would say it is the more important one. Life is short. So I am not really ready to be unhappy for very much longer. And if all that means I am not  "tough enough", so what !

But I also hate not knowing how life would continue if I quit next week. I hate uncertainty. Fortunately this weekend brought some interesting surprises, that gave me some new perspectives :

First surprise, after putting my CV on the key industry websites yesterday, requesting a job in a "bistrot "gastronomique" with small team and friendly atmosphere" I got the first call from a bistrot chef today, resulting in an appointment on Wednesday morning (my next half-day off). I will not rush in, but I want to take the opportunity to check out a different kitchen and a different atmosphere and if the first impression is good, maybe ask to work there 1 or 2 days before making a decision.

The other surprise and perspective came when I met a friend yesterday, initially just for a coffee, who wants to set up a small business in the south of France in about a year and after 7 hours of coffee together we had a draft of a joint business involving a combination of restaurant, epicerie, and goumet tools and books and gifts shop in either Avignon or Arles. Yes, I know this sounds not like my inital bistrot plan. But that is not the point. Whatever the outcome will be, and maybe our coffee was too strong, but it was amazing how much positive energy I got through the conversation with this person (who has been owning and managing a company since 15 years) and through the more concrete thoughts about creating my own / shared business.

Third perspective, that also came very unexpected through a phone call tonight from a friend I met at Ferrandi last year, was an offer to join an immediate bistrot creation in Paris !

The situation overwhelmes me now a little, and I am confused about all the alternatives and decisions to take or not to take. As one of my blog readers advised (per email), I should maybe stop asking others for too much advice and follow just my intuition for a while. 

New day, new way

I got another "half-day" off today. That's good, because yesterday I could obviously not enjoy the free morning. Such bad days like Tuesday night bring me down a lot, because I end up questioning my whole decision about changing my life, concluding that I should have stayed with HP, and have wasted two years going the wrong way. It is a very bad and sad feeling believe me. So I knew I had to do something to get me out of the crisis, which was in my case longing out to people who either know me well or who know the business well. After calling some good friends and seeing two restaurant owners in Paris, who I trust in their judgement and experience I came to the conclusion that I need to hang in there, but maybe not as long as initially planned.

One of the restaurant owners I went to see is a Japanese guy who has 20 years experience in the industry in France, has worked in the kitchen and as sommelier in a couple of Michelin starred restaurants, at Thierry Marx among others. He runs now a little bistro with 30 covers in the 6th arrondissement. I knew he would help me, because the one time I went to eat in his bistro last year, he already gave me a lot of career advice and all cooking magazines he had, when he learnt that I was at Ferrandi. So I went to see him yesterday, told him about my situation and asked whether I hadn't chosen the wrong path. My thinking yesterday morning was, that I should leave the place I am now working at, and rather find a little bistrot, where I cook 3 days a week and learn the managing and administration part 2 days a week. His advice was that indeed because of my age there is not much time to lose (merci ;), but that I need to focus on learning about products first, that I should stay where I am for 6 months maximum, then move to a little bistrot, and work there for a year. The admin and managing part could come later. Then he offered me to teach me essential parts of restaurant management and administration whenever I wanted during some afternoons. So it seems I have found a kind of mentor, and I was very happy about that advice and offer.

The other restaurant owner I saw was Gilles Ajuelos from the Bastide Odeon, where I had done a two-week stage in February. His advice was also to hang in there, but not if I am scared to go there and have a "bar" in my stomach every morning.

Another unanimous advice from my friends was to talk to the sous chef who hired me, about my concerns. That is what I did right before the evening service. But I am not sure he really understood my point. For him there was no issue or problem, he confirmed that the job he gave me was above my capacities ("tu n'est pas a l'hauteur"), but that he was obliged to do so, because I had asked for a chef de partie job during the interview (which is a modified version of the reality, in fact he had offered me a chef the partie job without even asking what I wanted. I would have gone for less as well). I opened the door and said that maybe that was a mistake, but he didn't react. That conversation was not easy, but I think he is now at least sensitive to the fact, that I am not 100% happy, and promised also to alert the staff about more respectful communication with each other, when I mentioned how annoying the reaction of some people is, when I do my "shopping".

During the mise-en-place yesterday evening, I choose the difficult path and put priority to helping those people who hate me instead of preparing all for my own station. I knew it was a risk, but suddenly those two people became friendlier, and were even chatting a little with me and asking questions about my private life and my future plans. So I think it was worth it. I got my station set up in time for dinner nevertheless, and the dinner service went perfect. I was so good and fast that the second had trouble to plate in time all the dishes. And he kept saying all evening "oh my god, I am behind, what's happenig, what's happening ?" I knew that it was partially linked to me becoming better and faster, but I didn't say it ;) So the service was more or less flawless on my side. I had needed such an evening after Tuesday night. And the perspective that I either finish during the trial period, which lasts until mid February if things don't get better or stay only 6 months max (which means I have done 1 out of 6 already), give me a knew better perspective, which might help me to hang in.

Big crisis

Sooner or later this was going to happen. I can write a little post about it because I got another "half-day" off. Too make a long story short, yesterday was too tough and I ended the service in tears. I came in extra early, I shortened my break from 2.5 hours to 1 hour, and still nothing was good enough. The day started already bad, because I worked so hard, and still got that negative comment from my colleagues when I asked for ingredients : "and what are YOU preparing ?". As if I just were collecting their food, and not working on setting up my station. Then the big panic among the chefs, as there was a rumour, that Michelin testers might have booked a table in the restaurant. Everything had to be extra super clean and fresh and beautiful before service. During service there were then also two chefs instead of one, the second and the sous-chef from the first floor, to make sure that nothing could go wrong. But they were so stressed. I got a lot of negative remarks during the service ("you need to be more reactive !") and they started to curse each time they didn't get immediately what they wanted. The second who had been helping me in the last weeks is leaving in two weeks, so he doesn't care anymore, and said things like "thank God I am leaving" during the service, whenever I made a mistake or wasn't good enough. Then the disaster happened and one guest complained about the fish not being fresh, on the one evening where this should NOT happen. Of course I was identified as the guilty one, although I had gotten fresh fish just before the service into my fridge. You can imagine the inquisition that started then. All this combined was too much and by the end of the service I was down in tears. I am very unhappy this morning, and wonder whether I need to do this to myself at the age of 42. I don't feel like I want to go back...

Two crazy weeks

I regret I didn't post last weekend. So many things happened and changed during the last two weeks, I could write a whole book about it, and so I don't know what to start with. Maybe how I almost set the whole kitchen on fire, or how I got myself almost blind, or how I wanted to run away in the middle of the service ? Well first some good news :

My body doesn't hurt anymore and I start to get used to the hours. I didn't expect it to happen that fast. However by the end of the week I am still exhausted, and every morning when the alarm rings I still think : "Oh no ! This is not posssible !". But the sous-chef has now started to give me half a day off per week like to the rest of the staff, and this also helps. So this Saturday morning I could sleep in, before throwing myself into the crazyness of a fully booked Saturday night. Thinking about it, "a half day off" means starting at 3 p.m. and finishing at 1 a.m. Crazy to call 10 hours half-a-day.... Because of the intense week my "weekends" are better than they have ever been before in my life. Sundays and Mondays are sources of true happiness.

The best during the last two weeks were indeed the two Saturday nights services. The restaurant completely booked, 35 covers. As the portions are small, everybody orders about 4-5 plates. So deduct from that the cold starters, I basically cooked about 100 plates myself. I got a real kick during those busy services and it was very exciting, especially doing many things at a time, to get an order for a big table out, where everybody orders something different. I would not have believed that I was capable of duing that at the beginning of my move downstairs two weeks ago. Everything that is hot comes from me. I must say I am proud of myself that I cooked everything for a full restaurant. Considering that on my first day downstairs I almost didn't dare to place the foie gras on the plancha, and being scared to turn it... Obviously still many mistakes happen, and the "second" (that is how you call the level below the sous-chef, he is actually the chef of the ground-floor restaurant) had to save me sometimes, when I was getting lost with cooking for a table of 6 and a table of 8 at the same time.

(This is the view from my station. In the left front the plancha, where everything is grilled and seared. through the "passe", where the dishes are plated, I have a view into the dining room.)

I love my new assignment and my station. You could say I am responsible for 2/3 of the downstairs kitchen, including tracking inventory for 40 items from parsley to foie gras to carrot purrée, and of course placing orders with the chefs, if I run out of items. While the first weeks were very hard learning all this and especially being ready for service in time, I love the fact that I have those responsabilites. No 20 year old girl that is bossing me around, the only one who gives me orders is the second. But that is fine. I am cooking and heating everything and he is receiving the orders from the servers and plating the dishes when I am ready. While he is really tough with me and gets quickly impatient when I am too slow or make mistakes or forget a detail, he keeps teaching me how to do things, like for example how to tell whether the cuisson of a pigeon is correct or not. It is unbelievable how much I learned in the last two weeks.

Of course I had a a lot of very very bad moments too, where I just wanted to run away and drop it all. Because of the higher responsibilites and the amount of work necessary to be "en place", ready for service, I work 2 hours more than before (which makes about 16-17 per day now). One morning I was there at 7:30 instead of the required offical 8:30 to start setting up the station (I have to get everything from other levels of the house), then the second comes in at 8 and yells at me for not having cleaned the plancha first, before getting all the material from upstairs. This disappointed me so much, and I told him later, when I had calmed down, that it was not fair.

The preparation time in the morning is the hardest of all. I need to get all the meat, fish, vegetables for my station, but obviously I cannot prepare them all on my own. And as the idea of the ground floor is to leverage the food of the first floor restaurant, I need to "go shopping" for all the food at the stations upstairs. After one week only at the ground floor plancha, all the other chefs de partie of those first floor stations hated me, because they feel they do the work, while I just come and pick it up. It is a real pain to go and see them twice a day and beg them for always the same things. At the end of last week I couldn't see who this could change, as I so busy counting my inventory and setting up my station, that for me it was impossible to even think about giving them a hand. I overheard them complaining about me to each other "on fait toute sa mise en place !" (We do all her preparation). Those were very bad moments, and I had those "what the hell am I doing here ?" thoughts and wondering whether I had made a good decision to go to such a tough place.

On top of it there is this stagiaire, about my age, former math teacher, also changing career at 40, wanting to open his own restaurant, just after a couple of weeks of stage. He wonders why I am working there instead of launching myself into my bistrot right away. So of course during some of the very hard moments last week I was also wondering, whether I had taken the wrong path, and should take more courage and launch myself into my business creation earlier. I haven't come yet to a conclusion, I guess I will try to stick to my current restaurant for a couple of months, it is exciting when I make progress. But at least I decided to spend now a couple of hours each weekend on elements of my business plan. I also helps me to get the necessary emotional distance from the crazyness of the job.

And then were all the other special small events that I should have posted daily. One of my cooking tools is the grillade, or rotisserie (on the picture).

One day I had the bacon fall out of the "broche" (broach ?) into the fat (fortunately before the service), the "grillade" cought fire, and I screamed in panic "chef,  chef, chef, chef !" that is all I could say. The second came and he just watched the fire, and did nothing. It drove me nuts, so I decided to take action and threw a bowl of water against the fire.

Oh my God I got yelled at ! While I was lucky that nothing happened, it was the most stupid thing to do. It could have made the whole kitchen explode, because if there is one thing you do not do, it is using water to extinguish a fire in the kitchen !

So I won't do that again.

Another highlight was Pierre Hermé (for me the world's best patissier. Katia no comment needed please ;)) eating twice last week in "my restaurant". Although I can check out all customers from my position, I unfortunately didn't see him as I was too busy to interrupt even one second my plancha activity, but I was very proud too cook for him.

My biggest mistakes (= best learnings) in the first weeks :

1) Forgetting to season. Instead of yelling at me and firing me the second gave me a piece of meat that had gone out to a customer, asked to eat it and evaluate it. Me, focussed on the cooking, said : "well it is warm inside, isn't it ?" Then he said : "a bit dull no ? It would be better with some salt !" I thought this was very good teaching.
2) heating things in the wrong order, for example I put the gambas first on the plancha, they are ready in 30 seconds, then I started to heat the white beans that come with the gambas, but take 4 minutes to be ready. The "second" was not happy.
3) increasing the oven temperature to 230 degrees without checking that somebody else had placed something inside that needed maximum of 90 degrees. Just imagine what happened next.
4) being careless with the acid cleaning bottle and spraying into my face just missing my eye, don't ask how it happened (thank gof I have only some parts of my forehead skin missing, and am not blind).
5) touching directly the grillade broach (?), creating the most impressive blister on my hand I have ever seen.
6) treating an order for 8 portions of fried fish and vegetable like an order for two. So I threw 32 pieces of tempura-covered fish and vegetable at the same time into the deep fat fryer. 3 minutes later I had a nice crusty sticky big ball. Obviously nothing the second could use to serve 8 people with. This was on a Saturday night and and the beginning of a difficult phase between me and the second durning that service.
7) overcooking a langustine (a customer complained, ouch)
8) undercooking a langoustine (the second caught it before it was sent)

(This is the view from the dining room into the kitchen. If you come to eat here you can watch me in action !).

Amazing how intense those two weeks were. Last Monday I was very unhappy and the idea of going back Tuesday made me sick. I feel better now, and as I make progress, I will be able to go without bad feelings tomorrow. Still I am far from skipping up and down in the mornings and far from looking forward to go there. This might take another while.

Happy 2008 !

Happy 2008 to everybody, health and happiness and good food ;) ! And good luck to those who made new year's resolutions. As I had made enough important decisions and resolutions during the last two years, my only resolution for 2008 is to make sure that my first job as a cook becomes a good experience. Actually I just realize it is probably more a wish than a resolution, as I have limited influence on that...

After two weeks on the job my first impressions have been confirmed. It is very very hard work and long hours, but a good and respectful atmosphere, and an environment that will allow me to learn a lot.

So many things already happened during my first two weeks. My first two days were really difficult because I was completely lost about what to do when. This is especially painful during service, when the sous chef announces the customer orders, and I am not able to follow them. You have to listen to the announcements and plate at the same time, and when I tried to "cheat" and look at the board at the passe where the order notes were pinned, the sous chef sent me back to my station... But then on the third day it started to click and I got into the flow, still just in charge of doing the amuse bouches. Just then, the sous-chef decided two pull one person off our station in order to move her to the meat. Suddenly we were now two instead of three, and I had done none of the other plates of the garde manger station before. So of course it was no longer possible to plate just the amuse bouche. It felt like starting all over again, learning how to plate all the starters, while having to triple the speed. Quite a challenge and again I got lost, and again I had to ask my colleague all the time "what now ?", "how many Oysters ?", "are the foie gras being sent or just plated ?", etc.. Questions, that normally I shouldn't be asking, but knowing instead by listening to the announcements of the sous-chef.

In those first two weeks at the garde manger station I learnt already so many things, for example : varieties of salads and herbs I have never heard of before (pourpier, feuilles de moutarde, leviche, mizuna, etc., etc.), how to distinguish duck and goose foie gras from each other, slicing foie gras, opening oysters (though still slow at that), managing inventory and estimating orders for the next day, using a vacuum packaging machine, using a professional ham slicer (dangerous !), a variety of a French ham called "jambon noir de Bigorre" one of the best hams I ever tasted.

And just as I got a little more comfortable with my new tasks, the sous-chef announced to me that I would change restaurants as of this week. I haven't mentioned yet that in the same building, we have two restaurants : A "fine dining" two-star Michelin restaurant with 60 seats on the first floor, and a smaller (40 seats), more casual and less expensive "tapas" restaurant on the ground floor with an open kitchen, where basically the same food is served but in tasting portions. On the first floor there are 5 stations, with two cooks in charge of each station plus a sous-chef and a second : garde manger, entremets (vegetables and all side dishes), fish, meat, patisserie. On the ground floor there are just two stations and three people, including a second who plates the dishes and receives the customer orders from the service staff.

So during the New Year's Eve dinner service the sous-chef told me that I will replace as of tomorrow the person on the ground floor restaurant who does all the cooking, that means I will cook all the meat, all the fish, and all the side dishes, using a plancha, and oven, an induction stove and a skewer grill. On the menue there are about 15 different dishes that I will have to prepare, and I am already sweating by the thought of having to do that. I don't see how this should be possible. The second on the ground floor is also a tough guy and I can already hear "the whip". Having said that, it is the best that could happen to me, because after two weeks at the garde manger I started to get a bit bored of having to wash salad every morning during two hours, and the initially so friendly new colleague was also starting to treat me a little less friendly than in the beginning. The new assignment downstairs will prepare me much better for my ultimate goal to run the kitchen of a small restaurant. So I am glad I am given this opportunity, but I know the next weeks will be really hell. On top of it there is zero transition, because the person who did the job until now, left yesterday....

The one thing that has been really hard, but I had been warned of before, is the working hours and the impact on my body. We work five days a week from 8:30am to 3 pm then continue from 5:30 pm to 1a.m. If my math is correct that makes about 14 hours standing, walking, running, carrying boxes per day. I have not yet been successfull to sleep during the break and my legs and back hurt every night so much, that I can't fall asleep. So after three days of work I become a wreck. I was told that the body will get used to that after a while... One thing though that has changed with this is how much I enjoy a day off now. I believe I have never been so happy before about being able to sleep in, getting a newspaper and sitting down with a cafe au lait. A real simple "luxury", that I learned to appreciate a lot in the last two weeks.

Let me finish today's post with a picture of the cheese trolley of "my restaurant". Not a photo, but actually a screenshot from the Ratatouille movie teaser. Normal, because the makers of the Ratatouille movie had also come to my new employer to study French restaurants and kitchen setup, and one of the results of that visit was the copying of the cheese trolley into the movie ! With the difference that on the original one (ours) there is no rat ;)

Bonne Année !