I have been rather superficial about my life #2 in the last months here. On top of posting nice photos I often wanted to write about the bad things and emotions, but they were usually blown away by the arrival of my weekend, so that stopped me from complaining here too much. The truth is though, that this career change remains very hard, and I am having a little moment right now, with the need to get rid of some frustration. While during my year at Ferrandi the challenge was to get confidence into my skills and into the capacity to become a cook, it is really now the social environment, that is causing often doubts and unhappy moments.
The good or rather neutral days are still more frequent than the bad days, so I try to hang in. What happens now regularly is that whenever I have just recovered from a "bad incident" and shift towards thinking again that the restaurant I work in is a real good opportunity, something will happen that brings me down for a couple of days. Most of the time it is an unexpected comment from a colleague, often on a personal level, either insulting or agressive in a way that sometimes I even get scared.
Besides the French chef, and the French chef-owner I am the only white person, the only with a professional cooking diploma, and the only one above 25, (and on top the only woman) so somehow it is probably normal, that I cannnot feel really happy there. But being not unhappy 80% of the time is already a big progress compared to my previous experiences in the two star restaurants... So my days continue to be a constant up and down. I just long for a bit more emotional stability, but it would require that I could become less sensitive to the comments of the guys. Probably I have already become a bit tougher, but it is not enough to go to work as happy as I had imagined I would be, when working as a cook one day.
Tonight by the end of the shift the rollercoaster could not have been more extreme. I have produced the Bearnaise Sauce this morning, in a rather big quantity, that is good enough for probably 100 servings of the filet dish. Bearnaise sauce is not really easy to produce, it is a fine line between getting it perfect or failing it completely by making either scrambled eggs or have it turn into liquid butter. Anyway, by the end of a busy and tiring evening, one of the waiters asked for an extra serving of the bearnaise sauce. This made me already smile. Then, 5 minutes later he came back again into the kitchen and said :"Ulla I don't know what you have done, but the customer said, this was the world's best Bearnaise he has ever eaten." This comment made me almost cry. I mean all I have been going through the last two years is driven by the motivation to share my passion with others, and make them happy by cooking them something they will love. So while I was trying to hold my tears (of happiness) back, and tried to not too much jump up and down, but stay focussed on sending out the last plates, I was eager to share this with the chef.
When the chef came back into the kitchen, I told him about the customer comment, and his answer was "on s'en fout", which means something like "we don't give a shit", and then went on "and the customer next to him might hate your bearnaise". It wasn't meant to be a personal comment, it is just showing the chef's negative attitude towards customers, whose feedback means nothing to him, as he thinks all customers are stupid and don't know what they eat. He went on, talking about stupid customers and how little one should care about their comments. I was pulled down from my cloud, and really hurt and disappointed, and asked him to stop talking about the topic. I think he was surprised by my reaction,... But I really was not able to hear another word about stupid clients or discuss with him. His and my attitude and motivation to be a cook could probably not be more opposite. So my happiness about the Bearnaise comment was completely blown away. I know I should just remember that one, and ignore the chef's attitude, .... I know, I know, ... I will be able to in the future.